


Without Stamps

by The_Lake_King



Series: 2021 Valentine's Prompts [7]
Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Epistolary, Feelings Realization, Letters, Loneliness, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29255475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Lake_King/pseuds/The_Lake_King
Summary: Prompt 7. "I think I'm in love with you, and I'm terrified."Jimmy tries to write to Thomas after leaving Downton.
Relationships: Thomas Barrow/Jimmy Kent
Series: 2021 Valentine's Prompts [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2137182
Comments: 10
Kudos: 44
Collections: Well I love you: Valentines for Thomas Barrow





	Without Stamps

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in under an hour with no idea where it was going, which might be a personal record. Yay me.

_Dear Thomas,_

_I’m leaving for London. There’s more work to be had there. Every day that I sit unemployed I think about going back to Lady A’s, and I can’t do that. Would that I’d realized it sooner. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m trying to start writing to you now, so I’ll get in the habit but whenever I write letters it gets away from me and I’m afraid that I’ll_

Jimmy balled up the page in frustration and threw it out the train window, ignoring the look of disapproval from the moustachioed man in his compartment. He would try again later.

…

_Dear Thomas,_

_I’ve made it to London, as you’ll know from the address. My room is rubbish, but the landlady makes decent stew, so that’s something. I still haven’t found a job, but I’m sure something will turn up soon. ~~I miss you so much it hurts~~ How are you? Still tormenting everyone? Give me some good gossip. I need the distraction._

He tore it in half. Someone was shouting in the alley outside, and it was driving him mad. He crawled into bed, promising himself that he would try again tomorrow.

…

_Dear Thomas,_

_I’m running low on money and I’m scared. Is it bad that whenever I want to just give up and do something stupid, I imagine you dragging me out by the collar? I imagine you a lot. You would make it better if you were here. Do you miss me the way I miss you or have you found a new footman to moon over you horrid old lavender I hate you_

…

_Dear Thomas,_

_You’d never believe where I found a job. I didn’t know those sorts of places existed, but now I feel like a bit of an idiot for not imagining they did. ~~Fell through a window into it actually, funny story~~ Came upon it by chance really, it’s a long story. _

…

_Dear Thomas,_

_I saw a man who looked like you at work today, spitting image from the back. He was kissing this little shite I’ve met before and God I wanted to strangle that mincing, simpering little tart and his beau weren’t even really you_

Setting letters on fire had become an almost weekly occurrence.

…

_Dear Thomas,_

_Have I left it too long? Have you found someone else? I think I’m in love with you, and I’m terrified. Sod that, I know I’m in love with you. It hurts. No one tells you that it hurts. It’s like I’ve got a toothache but nothing makes the pain go away, not ever getting drunk. I tried to kiss a man and it felt good but also bad because he wasn’t you and it felt dishonest, even though we were never together. How is it possible that we were never together? I miss you so much, Christ I’m so sorry and I’ve been awful not to write, but I’ve got a permanent address now. The work’s dangerous, but it’s good, Thomas, and the pay is good and we could do something here. I’ve wasted so much time. Please write me back. I’m a mess and I can’t take it anymore._

_Love you,_

_J._

Jimmy couldn’t bear to post such a thing, or even remember writing it, in the stale and bitter morning.

…

_Dear Thomas,_

_I almost got in a lot of trouble. I probably shouldn’t write about it, but I need to tell you. I should explain. I work at this club. I think you might be familiar with the kind. It got shut down yesterday. There are people I know who are in trouble, and I’ve been crying all night. I never thought I’d care so much about any of them, but all I can do is keep imagining it’s you in there. It’s not fair. None of them were hurting anyone so why does it have to be like this I hate it I hate everything fuck_

…

_Dear Thomas,_

_Run away with me. Let’s go to Paris and be awful with each other. I can’t stand this. I hope you remember some French._

_J._

…

Jimmy’s hands shook as he sat down to write out a good copy.

_Dear Thomas,_

_I’m so sorry I haven’t written before now. I know I’ve left it too late, and I don’t have a good excuse. I work at a club now. It can be difficult sometimes, but it’s worth it. I know you’d like it there. If you ever have the time when you’re in London, you could come and have a drink. I serve and play the piano sometimes, but there’s this other bloke they’ve got now who can also sing, so I mostly serve. I get a lot of tips either way, though._

_It was criminal the way I left. I should never have done that. It keeps me up at night that I dragged you into it and all. Maybe that’s why I haven’t written. Sometimes it’s easier to forget. But I’m done pretending like it never happened. I’ve been an awful friend._

_I hope you’re doing well. Are you still at Downton or did they forward this to somewhere? It’s funny: I can’t think of the place existing without you, but whenever I imagine you, you’re somewhere else. I hope that if you’ve gone to work for someone else that they appreciate you better. You deserve it. Tell me everything about your life. Is that alright for me to ask after so long? Maybe it isn’t, but I need to know you’re alright. Have you found someone? Tell me._

_I know there’s nothing I can say or do to put things back the way they were after more than a year. I’m not sure we could go back, even if I were re-hired at Downton tomorrow. Are you the same man you were? Because I don’t think I’m the same. But I miss you. I’ve missed you all this time. Some of the letters I wrote and burned would make your hair curl. Please let’s try again._

_Love,_

_J._

His fingers itched to light a match, even long after it was in the post. 


End file.
